Renewal

It has been a very long time since my last post. For the past year I have been very focused on family. My aunt - my role-model, my mentor - was diagnosed with terminal stage 4 bone cancer three years ago and told she had about two years to live. She was an awesome woman. Smart, independent and loved by many. She spoke her mind, never worried if people liked it or not. She taught me to work hard, have convictions and most importantly, to act on them. She helped me through school, when my father had a massive stroke she helped me cope and adapt to caring for him, she helped me in all my endeavors and businesses. She was there when my daughter was born and she took care of my daughter when my son was born.

And she died this summer.

She surpassed doctors expectations, even without the chemo they said she would need to extend her life which she refused because she didn't want to dye plagued with the effects of the treatments. Our family was able to come together during her last week. My mother and uncle traveling from Europe to be here. We shared hugs and tears before the cancer which progressed to her brain and liver took her words, then her vitality, then herself.

Now we are beginning to heal. My mother has gone back home. My daughter has made the most lovely shrine to my aunt in her room and my son has finally begun to stop talking about how everything 'goes dead' when it is a bit sick or broken. The journey of mourning for my children has amazed me for their resilience as much as it has pulled at my heartstrings. My aunt was very much my daughters grand-ma. Never having had children herself she was my favorite relative to stay with when I was a kid and I always felt so very lucky to be able to see her be and do the same with my daughter. It kills me inside to know that this is over. She will never get another chance to hang with my aunt eating ice-cream in bed while watching a movie or listening to great music eating pizza. She will never get to see my little girl grow up.

But.

I have all her albums and CDs now and have already begun to dole out her music for my daughter to discover.

We have our memories, our photos and videos to keep her alive in our hearts.  I'm thankful that I have this to share with my kids as they get older and begin to forget her as I know they will. It's inevitable, they are so young.

As for me. I am in a process of renewal. I dropped out of day to day for a while. In part because I didn't have it in me, in part because my aunt was a very private woman and I didn't feel right sharing my thoughts on her illness. Now that I am no longer focused on my aunt and the time we have with her I am coming back into my own. Healing my soul, renewing my focus in places like the shop and this blog. I'm ready to share again and I thank you for being here to listen.

It wont be so long till the next time I post. Promise

barb